She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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