My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
