She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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