Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
