I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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