Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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