The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Let's get the cat blown out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
