I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
