I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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