He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
