Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
