Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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