I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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