If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you had me at cake vodka
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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