I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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