no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize