Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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