oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
