i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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