Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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