it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
