Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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