Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
