The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
