broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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