For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
