pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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