is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The uberlube is also flammable
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
