I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
