i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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