Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
