I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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