I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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