he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We talked him into tasing himself.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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