I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
