i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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