my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
