I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
