after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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