I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
