Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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