life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
