I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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