Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
