You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
