Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
