You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
