More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
