One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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