If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize