she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
