please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
