we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
