Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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