I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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