I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
