woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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