Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
two words: eviction party
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
