he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
