dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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